can't sleep (part deux)

i am such a miserable idiot, i just read a few of my first entries, wow the 22 year old version of me was a million times more ambitious. i literally was on the right path and made a wrong decision... following the beaten path like a sheep.

goodnight and goodluck, i will be sleeping soundly.

can't sleep

i can't sleep for shit tonight, so i figured i would try to read a book. Well after about 10 pages i was like wow this is not interesting, so like a true genius i decided i would do work. by work i mean actual work...like for the man...what the hell is wrong with me? once completed i decided to reward myself with a 5$ bottle of figi water. the bottle like any other figi water bottle is delicious, the need however to put a cardboard cover over the cap with $5.00 boldly written in Helvetica Neue trounces my spirit.

"Hey you, yea, the guy in the striped pjs, just letting you know, don't think you get this shit for free"

BUT i'm thirsty damnit~! its entertaining to think that its 420am right now, and i have to be at the office in less than 4 hours. while this is far from absurd, it's hilarious in a "fuck i'm old" kinda way. i can't really tell if i'm even coherent write now, and honestly i don't think anyone reads this blog anymore.

why can't i sleep? ay, there's the rub, luck be told that the fairest of them all wouldnt even know what i say. confused wonderment perhaps is the only explanation. its strange the lens one sees the world through and how desperately one may want to peer through anothers to see their own reflection. my eyes are growing heavy, a good sign, perhaps i will try again tomorrow, however much earlier in the night.

if you read this, post a comment, its curious, and i apologize already for this aberration of a post.

i got some magic in me

as i sit here writing for the first time in years, i reflect back on essentially how my writing has deteriorated from okay to essentially garbage. Is this the effect of corporatizing of youth or just the influence of bad language users? perhaps we'll stumble across the answer as I continue.

Indecision: a wavering between two or more possible courses of action

this has been a primary theme within my life for the past year or so. glad a decision was finally made. the truth is that there is only one vital truth in life. the grandest of these truths is "We shall all die!" while this seems intuitive and a bit dark/negative, but really its quite the opposite. For the note this all based on philosophy of Ramakrishna and Swami Vivekananda, who in my opinion has the best idea of what is actually going on.

so what does this mean for me, it means time to get off my lazy ass and do everything that's worth doing. time is the only thing we have, so be decisive

cheer up!

i've lived to bury my desires, and see my dreams corrode with rust. Now all that's left are fruitless fires, that burn my empty heart to dust.

- Aleksandr Pushkin

thats the literary quote of the day, my initial reaction was: quite finely put.

then i realized i was an idiot because i can't even fathom the desires and dreams that someone such as Pushkin may have had, so i guess it led me more to reflect upon it for a few minutes.

i'll update you if i figure anything out :)

Welcome Back

Several years later and equally obnoxious, I have returned to write. enjoy.

is maturity inevitable?

The past week and half has been fairly monumental for me for various reasons.

1. i adapted to getting <4 hours a sleep a day
2. i saw things which scared the hell outta me, but became comfortable with them
3. realised compromise is a bitch that you gotta deal with it
4. i shoulda grown up on a beach

I haven't written in this shit for a long while, but life is goin well, i'm doing the regular grind at work and what not, but i am finally making moves.

paramore- misery business - listen just once

intelligence it the bane of existance of modern man.

i'm going to try and ignore it as much as i can

gym class heroes - shoot down the stars

words are amazing

For some bloody reason i don't know why i've started reading Neruda again, well a little bit. Always blown away, much like my favorite gabriel garcia marquez. This poem i think just about everyone can relate to

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

- Pablo Neruda

mind growth

An intriguing thing occurred to me the other day during a periodic lapse in judgement. While i obviously write in a construed, hap-hazard method, there are obvious undertones and direct commentary on my life. just to interject. stream of consciousness mostly.

back to my thought, it revolves around the concept of integrity, friendship and the inability to read between lines. While the majority of my college life was experienced with neural patterns that were not that of a normal individual, with my new found clarity i've been rethinking through past experiences with a different perspective. Note, i've been reading up on neuro-linguistic-programming, which by the way is very interesting for a lot of reasons, and may explain my insanity.

One thing that i've noticed while recalling a number of these past experiences were a number of comments made by certain individuals, while at the time were odd, they were significant enough for me to recall them now. Now we all know i'm a big fan of conspriacy and in general i give people the benefit of the doubt, well maybe you dont' know but i'd like to think i'm ideal like that.(yes i have a very misconstrued personal image) Anyways back to the point, is that although we (by we i mean me and a certain individual) had come up with a proposed explanation, we neither believed it or should i say hoped it wasn't true.

With my new found perspective, the sad truth was that it is true. While this is not that big a deal in general, well big enough for me to blog about, but still not that big, it does have fairly far reaching consequences.

I discussed the situation with a totally new friend who has no concept of any of the individuals, and gave fairly reasonable stance on the various comments which i recalled. Obviously this can't completly impartial as its from my memory. Anyways the conclusion which was made was that i really could never be close with this individual in the future, despite having been close to them at the time.

Oh well fuck it, i don't have time to worry about this shit. Time to make moves, like i said before the next few months are crucial within my future development.

queen and david bowie - Under pressure

Further clarity

Additionally i've had a number of things on my mind to the previous entry, the next topic is along the lines of self-improvement. After going through an arduous and grueling weekend of thinking about things, there are a few things which i just need to do. Finally capable of doing things. The next 3 months will be a big changing point in my life and career. opportunities are becoming materialized and will monetize themselves.

Entourage, but staying in Manhattan.

the truth

i'm back to my regular grind, and must say i've been thinking a lot about things, well mostly because my mind is no longer in the clouds.

So during a typical discussion with friends prior to going out, we all pretty much came to the same conclusion that you can't find a quality girl in a club or bar, it just doesn't happen, or at the very least not to anyone we know. I'm sure you're thinkin i'm hatin and what not, and well i am, but at the same time, all the choice girls i do know totally agree.

While on the subjects of girls, what can i say, i'm a product of my environment. Respect. I think its also encoded in my dna : Rajput Thakur. Perhaps, i should have been born a couple centuries ago, i think i would have been better off back then.

so with the atypical mind fuck puzzle that life has thrown me at this moment, i happened to catch a line from the movie Casanova while flipping channels. This is what the girl said

"Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him. If that woman were me I would love him alone and forever. "

clarity. where is this girl who's worth i deem the same as mine? ;) i don't know, the but the big part is, if i DID know, would she feel that way if she felt she was that woman? Thats the big catch with this statement. Clearly its from a fairytale, i'm not that naive, but possibility could exist in the real world, but what is the chances? there are too many factors which need to coincide. i'm not going to get all mathematical on you, but wait its my blog and i'm a nerd so fuck it i will.

after discussing this issue with a friend, we came to the conclusion that 1 out of 100 people you meet you would deem of equal worth. Don't think we're giving ourselves disspropriate self worth, its just that equal worth can't be measured, and its really more of the level of connection you feel with another person. Additionally you add in the factor that its 1 out of 100 people you MEET. not 100 people in general. This immediately removes roughly 85% of the population. now trying to find within this super exclusive pool, someone else with the same concept of finding a person of equal self-worth and wanting to love them alone and forever. This is a much harder number to forecast, for women i could see this being higher than men...clearly, but still very low percentage, only on the basis that most people give up on this concept at somepoint within their lives. so i'd give it like 10% of this group on girls. that a total stab in the dark.

So calculated, that would mean that a person would need to meet 1000 people before meeting 1 individual that could fit into this category. I guess perhaps this is doable in a number of years. Perhaps this is why it takes so long to find what you really want without settling.

I will never settle. Whether it means i have to wait 20 years or move across the world.

Anyways back to being 5 years old...